01UndatedYes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.Jon Stewart / quote ↗
02UndatedYes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.Jon Stewart / quote ↗
03UndatedYou have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.Jon Stewart / quote ↗
04UndatedI celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.Jon Stewart / quote ↗
06UndatedBy the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.Jon Stewart / quote ↗
11UndatedMost world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.Jon Stewart / quote ↗
12UndatedThe Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.Jon Stewart / quote ↗
13UndatedI've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.Jon Stewart / quote ↗
14UndatedIf the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.Jon Stewart / quote ↗
15UndatedI was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.Jon Stewart / quote ↗
16UndatedYesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and SpainJon Stewart / quote ↗
17UndatedYou wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.Jon Stewart / quote ↗
19UndatedThomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot."[Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006]Jon Stewart / quote ↗
21UndatedDonald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.Jon Stewart / quote ↗
22UndatedIt's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.Jon Stewart / quote ↗
24UndatedIt's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.Jon Stewart / quote ↗
