The voices / 44 fragments

Jon Stewart

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01Undated

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Jon Stewart / quote

02Undated

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

Jon Stewart / quote

03Undated

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

Jon Stewart / quote

04Undated

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Jon Stewart / quote

05Undated

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

Jon Stewart / quote

06Undated

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Jon Stewart / quote

07Undated

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

Jon Stewart / quote

08Undated

If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

Jon Stewart / quote

09Undated

The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.

Jon Stewart / quote

10Undated

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Jon Stewart / quote

11Undated

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.

Jon Stewart / quote

12Undated

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.

Jon Stewart / quote

13Undated

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Jon Stewart / quote

14Undated

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

Jon Stewart / quote

15Undated

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Jon Stewart / quote

16Undated

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain

Jon Stewart / quote

17Undated

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

Jon Stewart / quote

18Undated

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

Jon Stewart / quote

19Undated

Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot."[Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006]

Jon Stewart / quote

20Undated

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

Jon Stewart / quote

21Undated

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

Jon Stewart / quote

22Undated

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

Jon Stewart / quote

23Undated

No one is better at not beating America than England.

Jon Stewart / quote

24Undated

It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

Jon Stewart / quote