01UndatedSomebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
04UndatedIt's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
05UndatedThe Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
06UndatedWhere lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
08UndatedI don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
11UndatedI am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
12UndatedA bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
15UndatedThere's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
18UndatedThe number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
19UndatedNobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
20UndatedThat's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
21UndatedOnce you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
22UndatedThere's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
23UndatedWe want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
24UndatedYou know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'Jerry Seinfeld / quote ↗
