01UndatedDo you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.Henny Youngman / quote ↗
02UndatedWhen you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)Henny Youngman / quote ↗
05UndatedI wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.Henny Youngman / quote ↗
06UndatedMy brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.Henny Youngman / quote ↗
10UndatedI once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.Henny Youngman / quote ↗
11UndatedThis man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!Henny Youngman / quote ↗
13UndatedSome people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.Henny Youngman / quote ↗
15UndatedIf you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.Henny Youngman / quote ↗
16UndatedThis man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.Henny Youngman / quote ↗
17UndatedI've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.Henny Youngman / quote ↗
19UndatedI told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.Henny Youngman / quote ↗
20UndatedWhen I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.Henny Youngman / quote ↗
21UndatedJust got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.Henny Youngman / quote ↗
