01Undated[Calvin, who has the chicken pox, calls Susie on the telephone.] Susie: Hello? Calvin: Hi, Susie! It's me, Calvin! I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play. Susie: Why, sure! Boy, I don't think you've ever invited me to... Calvin's Mom: Calvin, what are you doing? Calvin: Nothing, Mom. Go away. Calvin's Mom: You're contagious! You can't have anyone over to play! Calvin: Shhhh! Shhhh! You'll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... HEY! OW! LET GO! Susie: [Hanging up the phone] Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?Bill Watterson / quote ↗
02UndatedHey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?Bill Watterson / quote ↗
03UndatedBut Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!Bill Watterson / quote ↗
04UndatedCalvin:"It says here that 'religion is the opiate of the masses.'...what do you suppose that means?"Television: "...it means that Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yetBill Watterson / quote ↗
05UndatedThat's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!Bill Watterson / quote ↗
06UndatedThe purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning and inhibit clarity.Bill Watterson / quote ↗
07UndatedCALVIN:Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien.Bill Watterson / quote ↗
08UndatedYou know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!Bill Watterson / quote ↗
11UndatedAt school, new ideas are thrust at you every day. Out in the world, you'll have to find your inner motivation to seek for new ideas on your own.Bill Watterson / quote ↗
13UndatedI say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - CalvinBill Watterson / quote ↗
14UndatedThat's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.Bill Watterson / quote ↗
15UndatedRainy days should be spent at home with a cup of tea and a good book.Bill Watterson / quote ↗
19UndatedWhen a person pauses in mid-sentence to choose a word, that's the best time to jump in and change the subject! It's like an interception in football! You grab the others guy's idea and run the opposite way with it! The more sentences you complete, the higher your score! The idea is to block the other guy's thoughts and express your own! That's how you win!Conversations aren't contests!Ok, a point for you, but I'm still ahead.Bill Watterson / quote ↗
20UndatedHistory is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.Bill Watterson / quote ↗
21UndatedCreating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it’s to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential — as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth.You’ll be told in a hundred ways, some subtle and some not, to keep climbing, and never be satisfied with where you are, who you are, and what you’re doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out, and I guarantee you’ll hear about them.To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.Bill Watterson / quote ↗
22UndatedIf good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?Bill Watterson / quote ↗
23UndatedThey say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.""Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.""We need more special effects and dance numbers.Bill Watterson / quote ↗
24UndatedI wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky. And if that person can also stand you, you're really lucky.Bill Watterson / quote ↗
