01c. 1955 ADIt was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.Steven Wright / quote ↗
02c. 1955 ADRight now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.Steven Wright / quote ↗
03c. 1955 ADI just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.Steven Wright / quote ↗
04c. 1955 ADIf at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.Steven Wright / quote ↗
06c. 1955 ADIf it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.Steven Wright / quote ↗
08c. 1955 ADThere is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.Steven Wright / quote ↗
09c. 1955 ADIf a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?Steven Wright / quote ↗
10c. 1955 ADI put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.Steven Wright / quote ↗
11c. 1955 ADI went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.Steven Wright / quote ↗
14c. 1955 ADI went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.Steven Wright / quote ↗
15c. 1955 ADThe other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?Steven Wright / quote ↗
17c. 1955 ADI have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.Steven Wright / quote ↗
19c. 1955 ADYou know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.Steven Wright / quote ↗
20c. 1955 ADIf toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?Steven Wright / quote ↗
21c. 1955 ADI wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.Steven Wright / quote ↗
23c. 1955 ADIf a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?Steven Wright / quote ↗
