01c. 1964 ADThere's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
03c. 1964 ADIn God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
04c. 1964 ADThe interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
05c. 1964 ADIf women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
06c. 1964 ADI may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
07c. 1964 ADThroughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America--we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
08c. 1964 ADReligion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we'd be crippled with indecision. But with religion pointing the way, we can feel confident in our choice to picket our children's elementary school when we find out the art teacher is gay.Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
09c. 1964 ADAfter Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word counStephen Colbert / quote ↗
12c. 1964 ADBut here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they're completely deluding themselves. There's simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn't hate them so much, I'd feel bad for these folks. Imagine going through life completely duped into thinking that there's no invisible, omniscient higher power guiding every action on Earth. It's just so arbitrary! Can't they see?Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
13c. 1964 ADAll weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
14c. 1964 ADCynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
15c. 1964 ADAs far as I can tell, a young-adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
16c. 1964 ADNC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happStephen Colbert / quote ↗
17c. 1964 ADSo, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop “liberating” moms by trying tomake them join the workforce. They’re already doing the job that God putthem here to do: Everything.Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
18c. 1964 ADit's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
20c. 1964 ADDivorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
21c. 1964 ADThe Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat.Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
22c. 1964 ADAccording to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In other words, the U.S. Census Bureau is run by radical leftists. Why do you think there's a whole category for the unemployed?Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
23c. 1964 ADThere hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
24c. 1964 ADIf I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!Stephen Colbert / quote ↗
