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P.J. O'Rourke

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Archive entries

01Undated

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

02Undated

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

03Undated

The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

04Undated

People are all exactly alike. There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian Aborigine have fewer differences than a Lhasa apso and a toy fox terrier. A Japanese raised in Riyadh would be an Arab. A Zulu raised in New Rochelle would be an orthodontist. People are all the same, though their circumstances differ terribly.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

05Undated

One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

06Undated

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

07Undated

We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it...

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

08Undated

Political pundits are under professional obligation to regard the obvious as being too obvious.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

09Undated

Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

10Undated

The Hollywooden heads would buy a car for almost any purpose except a worthy one. Many automobiles were purchased to attract members of LA's eight or ten opposite sexes. Since the denizens of America's Gomorrah, were incapable of verbalizing any idea more complex than "box office gross," the expensive car served as a substitute for witty come-on and seductive chat.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

11Undated

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

12Undated

I was having dinner…in London…when eventually he got, as the Europeans always do, to the part about “Your country’s never been invaded.” And so I said, “Let me tell you who those bad guys are. They’re us. WE BE BAD. We’re the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We’re three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and descended from a stock market crash on our mother’s side. You take your Germany, France, and Spain, roll them all together and it wouldn’t give us room to park our cars. We’re the big boys, Jack, the original, giant, economy-sized, new and improved butt kickers of all time. When we snort coke in Houston, people lose their hats in Cap d’Antibes. And we’ve got an American Express card credit limit higher than your piss-ant metric numbers go. You say our country’s never been invaded? You’re right, little buddy. Because I’d like to see the needle-dicked foreigners who’d have the guts to try. We drink napalm to get our hearts started in the morning. A rape and a mugging is our way of saying 'Cheerio.' Hell can’t hold our sock-hops. We walk taller, talk louder, spit further, fuck longer and buy more things than you know the names of. I’d rather be a junkie in a New York City jail than king, queen, and jack of all Europeans. We eat little countries like this for breakfast and shit them out before lunch.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

13Undated

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

14Undated

Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.)

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

15Undated

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

16Undated

If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

17Undated

The whole idea of government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

18Undated

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

19Undated

Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government do it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

20Undated

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

21Undated

It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

22Undated

Americans appreciate bad taste or America wouldn’t look the way America does.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

23Undated

The American political system is like fast food--mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things...and everybody wants some.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote

24Undated

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

P.J. O'Rourke / quote