03UndatedI was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.Mitch Hedberg / quote ↗
04UndatedI'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.Mitch Hedberg / quote ↗
06UndatedI had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.Mitch Hedberg / quote ↗
07UndatedI recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.Mitch Hedberg / quote ↗
09UndatedI'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.Mitch Hedberg / quote ↗
10UndatedWhy is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!Mitch Hedberg / quote ↗
11UndatedRice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.Mitch Hedberg / quote ↗
12UndatedI wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.Mitch Hedberg / quote ↗
17UndatedI don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.Mitch Hedberg / quote ↗
18UndatedI know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.Mitch Hedberg / quote ↗
