01c. 1972 ADI think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.George Carlin / quote ↗
02c. 1972 ADThere are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.George Carlin / quote ↗
03c. 1972 ADThere are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.George Carlin / quote ↗
04c. 1972 ADHere's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.George Carlin / quote ↗
05c. 1972 ADHe - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.George Carlin / quote ↗
07c. 1972 ADI was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.George Carlin / quote ↗
08c. 1972 ADIf no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?George Carlin / quote ↗
09c. 1972 ADDo you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!George Carlin / quote ↗
10c. 1972 ADReligion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.George Carlin / quote ↗
11c. 1972 ADI'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.George Carlin / quote ↗
12c. 1972 ADI don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.George Carlin / quote ↗
13c. 1972 ADI have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.George Carlin / quote ↗
14c. 1972 ADI noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...George Carlin / quote ↗
15c. 1972 ADThis is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.George Carlin / quote ↗
16c. 1972 ADYou know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.George Carlin / quote ↗
17c. 1972 ADI'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.George Carlin / quote ↗
18c. 1972 ADAs it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.George Carlin / quote ↗
19c. 1972 ADPersonally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, "Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run you nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they're flushed out to sea with the rest of the city's filth. After such time, we will sysematically seek out your friends and loved one and destroy their lives."Wouldn't you like to see a sign like that?George Carlin / quote ↗
20c. 1972 ADSore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.George Carlin / quote ↗
21c. 1972 ADAnd off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.George Carlin / quote ↗
22c. 1972 ADAvoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.George Carlin / quote ↗
23c. 1972 ADWhen I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.George Carlin / quote ↗
24c. 1972 ADIn some company it’s perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.George Carlin / quote ↗
