01c. 1972 ADThe caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.George Carlin / quote ↗
02c. 1972 ADTHINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.George Carlin / quote ↗
03c. 1972 ADSomething is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.George Carlin / quote ↗
04c. 1972 ADI tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.George Carlin / quote ↗
05c. 1972 ADInstead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuckGeorge Carlin / quote ↗
06c. 1972 ADHonesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.George Carlin / quote ↗
09c. 1972 ADI thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?George Carlin / quote ↗
10c. 1972 ADI would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.George Carlin / quote ↗
11c. 1972 ADNo matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.George Carlin / quote ↗
13c. 1972 ADYou show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.George Carlin / quote ↗
14c. 1972 ADSo, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.George Carlin / quote ↗
15c. 1972 ADI, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.George Carlin / quote ↗
16c. 1972 ADIt turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.George Carlin / quote ↗
17c. 1972 ADI'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.George Carlin / quote ↗
18c. 1972 ADIf your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.George Carlin / quote ↗
20c. 1972 ADAnd here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.George Carlin / quote ↗
21c. 1972 ADI bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.George Carlin / quote ↗
22c. 1972 ADLet a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.George Carlin / quote ↗
24c. 1972 ADIf everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.George Carlin / quote ↗
