01UndatedThe craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn't. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf's word for what lay at the other end.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
02UndatedOther men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
03UndatedHe had seen bigger men than he with mummy's handkerchief clutched in on hand and a bloody dagger in the other.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
04UndatedSometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that was the end of him. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they'd phone their lawyer on the way down.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
05UndatedIn my experience, boys are predictable. As soon as they think of something, they do it. Girls are smarter—they plan ahead. They think about not getting caught.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
06UndatedExcuse me, Tex," the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babies being born in this hospital. We wouldn't want the first sound they hear to be your painful howling. There could be lawsuits.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
08UndatedShe held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the moment of impact? I'm writing this short story--''Put that away, Hazel,' hissed Mam. 'The poor boy is in pain.'Hazel persisted. 'Would that be a white-hot pain? Or more of a dull throbbing pain?Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
09UndatedTea? At the beach? No time for luxuries, Holly. There is important work to be done.” He winked at Butler.“Are you sure you’re at the library? I thought I heard water.”Artemis smiled, enjoying the exchange. “Water? Surely not. The only thing flowing here is information.”“Are you grinning, Artemis? For some reason I get the feeling that you’re wearing that smug smile of yours.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
10Undated[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch's version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones. Mulch was using a carrot as a pointer, or more accurately, several carrots. Dwarfs liked carrots. 'This is Koboi Labs,' He mumbled around a mouthful of vegetable. 'That?' exclaimed Root. 'I realize, Julius, that it is not an accurate schematic.'The Commander exploded from his chair. 'An accurate schematic? It's a rectangle for heaven's sake!'Mulch was unperturbed. 'That's not important. This is the important bit.' 'That wobbly line?' 'It's a fissure,' pouted the dwarf. 'Anybody can see that.''Anybody in kindergarten maybe. So it's a fissure, so what?''This is the clever bit. Y'see that fissure is not usually there.'Root began strangling the air again. Something he was doing more and more lately.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
11UndatedEvolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
12UndatedToadstool mandarins are a form of toxic jellyfish whose tentacles are loaded with entheogenic venom. The effects of a mandarin sting are threefold. The first is a sharp stinging sensation; the second a nasty red welt, which may fester if not treated with a salve of toadstool mandarin doodoo. And the third is a bold of self-awareness, thanks to the entheogens in the venom. Having been stung, a victim's typical reaction will be something like:Owww. Zark, that hurts.Then:Oh no. Look at this nasty red welt. I'm in the swimsuit competition later.And finally:What? I'm a latent misogynist with father issues!If a person is allergic to mandarin venom, one sting will prompt total self-awareness, leading to either immediate catatonia or a career as a talk show pundit.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
13UndatedIgnorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
14UndatedThat, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
15UndatedHolly clambered after him, struggling up the human-size steps. "Wait! Just wait," she called, overtaking Artemis and looking him in the eye from one step up. "I know you, Artemis. You like to play your genius card close to your chest until the big reveal. And that's worked out for us so far. But this time you need to let me in. I can help. So, tell me the truth, do you have a plan?"Artemis met his friend's gaze and lied to her face. "No," he said. "No plan.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
16UndatedConor, I could search the world for another swashbuckling scientist, but I doubt if I would find one like you.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
17UndatedA monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
18UndatedAre you an angel or a devil, sir? I need to know. Are you taking me up or down?Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
19UndatedWell, young man, have you found anyone worthy of your respect?"Artemis smiled back. "Yes," he said. "I believe I have.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
20UndatedLet us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
23UndatedOf course I saved you," she said. "I couldn't do without you." And because she was happy and flushed with magic, Holly leaned down and kissed Artemis, magic sparking around the contact like tiny fireworks.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
24UndatedGiving evidence against one's employers was the first step to unemployment.Eoin Colfer / quote ↗
