01UndatedSometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
03UndatedWith good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
04UndatedIts hard to stay up. Its been a long long dayAnd you've got the sandman at your door. But hang on, leave the TV on and lets do it anyway.Its ok. You can always sleep through work tomorrow. Ok?Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.Tell the clock on the wall, "Forget the wake up call."Cause the night's not nearly through.Wipe the sleep from your eyes. Give yourself a surprise.Let your worries wait another day.And if you stay too late at the bar,At least you made it out this far. So make up your mind and say, "Let's do it anyway!"Its OkYou can always sleep through work tomorrow, ok? Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday. Life's too short to worry about the things that you can live withoutAnd I regret to say, the morning light is hours away.The world can be such a fright, But it belongs to us tonight.What's the point of going to bed?You look so lovely when your eyes are red.Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
05UndatedI found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
06UndatedMy mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
07UndatedOn that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
08UndatedAlcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
09UndatedWhen you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
10UndatedThat's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
11UndatedSometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
12UndatedI like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
14UndatedIf a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
17UndatedStrange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
18UndatedI didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
19UndatedHey dawg, wassup?" he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an attempt to sound like young black men from underprivileged backgrounds. A linguistic fashion as peculiar as the lisp that everybody in medieval Spain had to adopt after the king developed a speech impediment.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
20UndatedLook, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already knowCraig Ferguson / quote ↗
21UndatedEven the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.Infallibility is a sin in any man.All laws can be broken and are.Often.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
22UndatedThe Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
24UndatedThere is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.Craig Ferguson / quote ↗
