01UndatedShe can be a whirlwind of tits and terror when she puts her mind to a purpose, can't she, sir?Christopher Moore / quote ↗
03UndatedIt's kinda hard to get yourself into a good three-toweler when you got the dick of death.Christopher Moore / quote ↗
05UndatedOne day I was telling him that I thought that cars had replaced guns as phallic symbols for American men, and I thought it was interesting that he had one that was so small and fast. The next day he gave me the Datsun and went out and bought a Lincoln.Christopher Moore / quote ↗
08UndatedIf there was anything I learned from John the Baptist, it was that the sooner you confess a mistake, the quicker you can get on to making new and better mistakes.Christopher Moore / quote ↗
10UndatedIt was the sound of a thousand hungry children crying, ten thousand widows tearing their hair over their husband's graves, a chorus of angels singing the last dirge on the day of God's death.Christopher Moore / quote ↗
11UndatedMy children are monsters, Kiro thought. And I am responsible. Perhaps if I had read them the haikus of Basho when they were little instead of that American manifesto of high-pressure sales, Green Eggs and Ham...Christopher Moore / quote ↗
12UndatedYou're trying to be tricky. What's morality?""It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize.""Must be a human thing.""Exactly.Christopher Moore / quote ↗
13UndatedBut she's a redhead, so she's probably evil, even at her tender age.""I thought you liked redheads.""I do. What's your point?Christopher Moore / quote ↗
14UndatedAuthor's WarningIf you're buying this book as a gift for your grandma or a kid, you should be aware that it contains cusswords as well as tasteful depictions of cannibalism and people in their forties having sex. Don't blame me. I told you.Christopher Moore / quote ↗
15UndatedIn another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by a series of ghosts who, by showing him bleak visions of Christmas future, past, and present, would bring about in him a change to generosity, kindness, and a general warmth toward his fellow man. But this is not that kind of Christmas story, so here, in not too many pages, someone is going to dispatch the miserable son of a bitch with a shovel. That's the spirit of Christmas yet to come in these parts. Ho, ho, ho.Christopher Moore / quote ↗
16UndatedIt's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.Christopher Moore / quote ↗
17UndatedThat's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.Christopher Moore / quote ↗
19UndatedDon't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.Christopher Moore / quote ↗
20UndatedDiogenes carried a bowl with him for years, but one day saw a man drinking from his cupped palm and declared, ‘I have been a fool, burdened all these years by the weight of a bowl when a perfectly good vessel lay at the end of my wrist.Christopher Moore / quote ↗
21UndatedThe Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis.Christopher Moore / quote ↗
23UndatedRivera rubbed his temples. "Satan told you to do it?" he said wearily."No.""Elvis?""I told you, it's supernatural.Christopher Moore / quote ↗
24UndatedAn original thought would crack your feeble skull like a thunderbolt, you craven vulture.Christopher Moore / quote ↗
