01UndatedThis is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical SabbaticalDave Barry / quote ↗
02UndatedIn the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!Dave Barry / quote ↗
03UndatedOnce again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.Dave Barry / quote ↗
04UndatedDogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.Dave Barry / quote ↗
05UndatedYou can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!Dave Barry / quote ↗
06UndatedYou could be Charles Manson, or Hitler, or even a lawyer who advertises on television, and your dog will still think you're the greatest thing ever. This tells you something very important about dogs: They are not very bright.Dave Barry / quote ↗
07UndatedOther useful commands to teach your dog are 'stay,' 'heel,' 'remove your snout from that person's groin,' 'stop humping the Barcalounger,' 'do not bark violently for two hours at inanimate objects such as a flowerpot,' ' do not eat poop,' and 'if you must eat poop, then at least refrain from licking my face afterward'.Dave Barry / quote ↗
09UndatedI would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.Dave Barry / quote ↗
10UndatedU.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation’s continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D.C., and videotaped him touring the White House.Dave Barry / quote ↗
11UndatedThere's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent.Dave Barry / quote ↗
12UndatedGuys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.Dave Barry / quote ↗
13UndatedOh, I'm not saying that alcohol is perfect. It has caused its share of problems. Russia is only one example.Dave Barry / quote ↗
14UndatedNatives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been drinking.Dave Barry / quote ↗
15UndatedThanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism.Dave Barry / quote ↗
18UndatedFlying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.Dave Barry / quote ↗
19UndatedI would say that the single most important conclusion I reached after traveling through Japan as well as countless hours reading studying and analyzing this fascinating culture is that you should always tighten the cap on the shampoo bottle before you put it in your suitcase.Dave Barry / quote ↗
20UndatedHe couldn't get into Harvard even if he had the dean's wife at gunpoint.Dave Barry / quote ↗
21UndatedPassing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations - if you get my drift.Dave Barry / quote ↗
22UndatedApparently he was not the sharpest quill on the porcupine if you get my drift.Dave Barry / quote ↗
23UndatedWe will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic . . . Dr. Ted Clinic.Dave Barry / quote ↗
24UndatedGeographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.Dave Barry / quote ↗
