01UndatedSeconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied out the contents of his pockets. A lighter, three nail files, a pocket wrench, a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a nectarine fell onto the folding table. I looked at the woman, looked at my father, and then looked around to see if anyone else was watching. "What's the problem?" my father asked the woman. "Sir, I'm going to have to take this lighter away from you," she said. "The lighter?" I asked her. "What about the bomb kit he's carrying around? He could do a lot more damage to a person with that wrench." "I need the wrench!" he shrieked. "For what?" "What if something goes wrong with the plane?Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
03UndatedWe checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was clear that they were members of a different income bracket from the people I preferred to surround myself with. But since I also wasn't from the income bracket I preferred, I held off on voicing my initial feelings of despair.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
04UndatedAnd just like that, as if I hadn't said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about the sinful nature the Jews possessed when killing their Lord Jesus. I didn't know if I was hearing this right because I had become so intoxicated, but I couldn't believe that anyone would talk about religion while on vacation. How could Miss Nebraska think this was a proper environment to discuss something so controversial? One woman went on to say that if she had her way not only would President Bush serve a second four-year term, but she hoped they would overturn Roe v. Wade. This woman was obviously a menace to society and needed to be stopped.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
05UndatedMy mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever you'd go up to her room to cuddle with her, she'd pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
06UndatedIf I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
07UndatedI had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of anyone. But I had practiced alone in my room lots of times, trying out different cadences and into nations: 'Fuck, fuck, fuck you, fucknut. Shit, shitstain, fucker! Go fuck a duck, you asswipe!' My favorite was, 'What a fucking cocksucker.' The plan was to say this casually to one of my new friends while one of our teachers walked by. No one in kindergarten ever really got my sense of humor, so I was hell-bent on making my mark in the first grade.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
08UndatedI'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
09UndatedMy mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I've always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
11UndatedThe big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
12UndatedI have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant...if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
13UndatedMy mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
14UndatedI went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
15UndatedI was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
16UndatedWhy are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks...Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
17UndatedAnyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan?Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
18UndatedE! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don't know what they're doing; they have no ideas... everything they do just is a failure.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
19UndatedI've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I'd be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
20UndatedI wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
21UndatedCan you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.'Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
22UndatedI have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that's how my breakups tend to play out.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
24UndatedThe love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.Chelsea Handler / quote ↗
